Okay, so I’ve been reading some stuff on body image. You know, stuff like…be happy with who you are. Find your own personal style. Forget the cultural ideal. It great rhetoric, but come-on.
My imagination of what I can look like is too crazy to be comfortable with my image of myself right now. Today, I want to be 5′2″. It wouldn’t matter if I’m a little chubby, but I want a bright bubble-gum pink cardigan, a pleated skirt, and chunky oxford shoes that I wear with hose. My hair then needs to be in two blonde pig-tails on the top of my head. Maybe I could have a poodle-skirt for the weekends.
Last week, I wanted to be about 5′6″ and stick skinny. I wanted ink-black eyeliner and a choppy hair-cut…dyed pitch black with just a little bit of purple or red on the ends. Of course, I would be wearing mostly black. Once again skirts not jeans.
One of my favorite imaginations is me my height, a little thinner, with a good haircut… one that just happens to blow in the wind well. This Jenny always wears light-weight clothes like linen stuff. She’s a bit of a hippy and isn’t afraid to wear a poncho. She dresses up in dresses based on ancient Greek influences. Very 70s.
Then there is farm-girl Jenny. Not like the Jenny who actually worked on a farm in the 1990s…that Jenny had a pair neon-green shorts that she wore while driving wheat truck. (It was pretty scary.) This farm girl has the perfect pair of bootcut jeans, a nice boot, a fitted tweed jacket…not too much country…just enough to fit in a little bit. Maybe a cool belt.
So do I not know who I am? I think I just enjoy the possibilities of what I could be. It’s ridiculous to think that you cannot be something. It’s so much more interesting to dream, and then perhaps discover something new…
Okay, so 5′2″ is not going to happen, but I can always hang out with really tall people. =)
Friday, December 21, 2007
Friday, December 14, 2007
It happened again…
I occasionally can get to this place in my brain when it seems that universe is dissolving away and that I am an insignificant peon on the cusp of total annihilation. Does this happen to anyone else?
Let me explain. So PBS was advertising a special program on microbiology and the formation of life on this planet, billions of years ago. I watch the commercial slightly interested, and I started playing through my head my bag of arguments on the existence of God. You know intelligent design type arguments… the kind that really doesn’t even relate to creationism that much.
My brain reaches this point where it faces the crux of the matter: Either there is a eternal God with infinite powers that controls everything…and I’ll repeat it…He has always existed. Or matter has always existed. There is no meaning in life, and everything has evolved simply by matter of survival. But here’s the clincher…either way, do you know what my chances are to be thinking at this very moment? I exist, but the chances are infinitesimally higher that I wouldn’t exist. That some how out of the unlikely billions of people born, I am cognizant.
And to top that, I am on a computer. I, even with my outrageous school loans, am living like the top 5% richest people in the world. I have two masters degree by golly. Nevertheless, I am totally and completely insignificant in the great scheme of the universe. A little blop of chance to a materialist.
But instead, I am a theist. I believe that there is a Being out there that is so complex that the whole universe was created upon his simple word. What are the repercussions of that? What does that mean to my further existence? What types of responsibilities does that mean I have?
Sometimes, it seems like there is a little hope in not being eternal… Eventually, past memories and mistakes are left if I am finite, but if I am eternal, what does that mean for the playing out of my future? How can I live in such a way that eternity is not Hell? Personally, I do not know what the appeal is in eternal life, unless the existence beyond death is profoundly different from this one.
Now, that I have my entire family worrying, I am going to reassure them. These occasions last about 30 seconds max. My brain implodes or explodes (I can’t tell), and I cannot contemplate the situation any longer. I am glad that I believe in my Christian beliefs that give purpose to life and to eternal life, so it makes it all bearable. In those few seconds if I didn’t have those beliefs, I feel like I could literally slip past gravity, off the earth, and into the unknown. There would be nothing to tie me to anything.
However, I have hope in a purpose for existence, a God who cares, and for love and goodness to prevail over darkness and hatred. So in reality, what more is there to ask for.
(posts)
Susannelein Says:
December 17th, 2007 at 7:38 am
I am thankful for our God who cares and for His love and the love of our friends to sustain us in this life. Thanks for the Merry Christmas phone message! I’ll give you a call soon.
Let me explain. So PBS was advertising a special program on microbiology and the formation of life on this planet, billions of years ago. I watch the commercial slightly interested, and I started playing through my head my bag of arguments on the existence of God. You know intelligent design type arguments… the kind that really doesn’t even relate to creationism that much.
My brain reaches this point where it faces the crux of the matter: Either there is a eternal God with infinite powers that controls everything…and I’ll repeat it…He has always existed. Or matter has always existed. There is no meaning in life, and everything has evolved simply by matter of survival. But here’s the clincher…either way, do you know what my chances are to be thinking at this very moment? I exist, but the chances are infinitesimally higher that I wouldn’t exist. That some how out of the unlikely billions of people born, I am cognizant.
And to top that, I am on a computer. I, even with my outrageous school loans, am living like the top 5% richest people in the world. I have two masters degree by golly. Nevertheless, I am totally and completely insignificant in the great scheme of the universe. A little blop of chance to a materialist.
But instead, I am a theist. I believe that there is a Being out there that is so complex that the whole universe was created upon his simple word. What are the repercussions of that? What does that mean to my further existence? What types of responsibilities does that mean I have?
Sometimes, it seems like there is a little hope in not being eternal… Eventually, past memories and mistakes are left if I am finite, but if I am eternal, what does that mean for the playing out of my future? How can I live in such a way that eternity is not Hell? Personally, I do not know what the appeal is in eternal life, unless the existence beyond death is profoundly different from this one.
Now, that I have my entire family worrying, I am going to reassure them. These occasions last about 30 seconds max. My brain implodes or explodes (I can’t tell), and I cannot contemplate the situation any longer. I am glad that I believe in my Christian beliefs that give purpose to life and to eternal life, so it makes it all bearable. In those few seconds if I didn’t have those beliefs, I feel like I could literally slip past gravity, off the earth, and into the unknown. There would be nothing to tie me to anything.
However, I have hope in a purpose for existence, a God who cares, and for love and goodness to prevail over darkness and hatred. So in reality, what more is there to ask for.
(posts)
Susannelein Says:
December 17th, 2007 at 7:38 am
I am thankful for our God who cares and for His love and the love of our friends to sustain us in this life. Thanks for the Merry Christmas phone message! I’ll give you a call soon.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Ice, Ice, Baby.
Actually, I’m not talking about babies. Just ICE. Oklahoma has it’s largest amount of power outages ever! Because it’s raining, it’s pouring, and then it’s freezing. It’s freezing on trees. It’s freezing on cars. It’s freezing on my roof, and then the stuff on the roof begins to melt and avalanches slide off. All the pretty trees in front of my complex have split down the middle. It’s amazing. The roads are pretty good, but some of our trees may never have leaves again.
Luckily, I have electricity. It sounds like a lot of OU students are just hanging out of the library because of the power outages. That really sucks because school was cancelled today. Can you believe it…school cancelled on finals week. That usually doesn’t happen unless of national disasters, not just local ones.
For me, the storm is all good. It means that I’ve got to stay at home for the last two days and drink as many hot beverages as possible. I did something really stupid on Saturday. I went to a party as I was getting a cold, and then I sang Christmas carols when my voice was already starting to go.
So I’ve been iced at home with my klennex box and larangytis. The voice is bad enough that the guy who checked out my groceries at the store this afternoon said he hoped that I feel better soon…and that despite the fact that the line was over 3 people long. Luckily I don’t feel too bad. I just sound aweful. No more Christmas carols for me for a little while.
On the other hand, I submitted my online final that was due today, yesterday, 15 minutes before I found out that school was cancelled. Well, I guess it’s done. But now my final on Wednesday is going to be fierce. I have hundreds of pages of material on my floor right now that I need to actually internalize with some meaning.
Well, that’s all. If you ever have something to say, give me a message. I like being sequestered by ice, but it’s getting kinda lonely.
Luckily, I have electricity. It sounds like a lot of OU students are just hanging out of the library because of the power outages. That really sucks because school was cancelled today. Can you believe it…school cancelled on finals week. That usually doesn’t happen unless of national disasters, not just local ones.
For me, the storm is all good. It means that I’ve got to stay at home for the last two days and drink as many hot beverages as possible. I did something really stupid on Saturday. I went to a party as I was getting a cold, and then I sang Christmas carols when my voice was already starting to go.
So I’ve been iced at home with my klennex box and larangytis. The voice is bad enough that the guy who checked out my groceries at the store this afternoon said he hoped that I feel better soon…and that despite the fact that the line was over 3 people long. Luckily I don’t feel too bad. I just sound aweful. No more Christmas carols for me for a little while.
On the other hand, I submitted my online final that was due today, yesterday, 15 minutes before I found out that school was cancelled. Well, I guess it’s done. But now my final on Wednesday is going to be fierce. I have hundreds of pages of material on my floor right now that I need to actually internalize with some meaning.
Well, that’s all. If you ever have something to say, give me a message. I like being sequestered by ice, but it’s getting kinda lonely.
Last Blog was written on Monday
Hey, sorry for the accidental not posting…. I meant to post that last last blog on Monday, but I hit the wrong button.
Now, the ice is melted. More people have their electricity, and my finals are done! The apolypse is over until tomorrow when the snow storm comes. Also, I had a wonderful time chatting with church folk over dinner last night. So after 3 days of seclusion, I am now acclamized to conversation again.
Take care and I’ll blog again soon.
p.s. Where is that stupid spell check? I thought I had one on here. Well, you are just going to have to live with the misspelled words.
Now, the ice is melted. More people have their electricity, and my finals are done! The apolypse is over until tomorrow when the snow storm comes. Also, I had a wonderful time chatting with church folk over dinner last night. So after 3 days of seclusion, I am now acclamized to conversation again.
Take care and I’ll blog again soon.
p.s. Where is that stupid spell check? I thought I had one on here. Well, you are just going to have to live with the misspelled words.
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