12:51 am

Good morning. Sorta.

I’m wired. I have too many loose ends to go to sleep despite the fact that I know my body is craving it.

I was expecting to get off work earlier tonight, and then I could have called friends and family and talked about stuff and got stuff off my mind. But our work load lasted to 11:45, and that means no phone calls. I though about calling my friend in Washington, b/c it’s only 8:00 there, but I couldn’t convince myself.

Tonight, my past is just haunting me a little bit. I have a really cool boss at MEDCO, and she was talking about how in less than a year and half, she went from my job to supervisor. Is it really worth it go through another 2 years of school? So far, where has school gotten me? It taught me to read all the wrong books.

I’ve also been listening too much to that money guy on the radio. He’s beginning to be more depressing than helpful to me. I’ve made some really stupid mistakes economically since undergraduate, and I can’t change it. But how does one move on after really huge mistakes? I never made any huge mistakes. I’ve been the good girl my entire life. I usually play by the book and try not to make waves.

So despite my cool summer job, my scholarship for the fall, and the accompanying assistantship, I still feel directionless. What’s my purpose in life? I’ve been asking that question since I was 12, and now I’m wondering if it was ever the right question.

Now, I feel kinda silly b/c God has provided so much, but there is something to my thought about purpose in life. I don’t think our job is to pursue a purpose… at least as I was thinking about it. I thought I needed a job and an identity and money and connections and a Christian calling… a missionary or archaeologist or professor or something. Most people just do the job they can for the time being and life for Jesus while doing that job. That’s our purpose… to live simply and follow God.

Okay, now I’m starting to get sleepy, and my back just popped in a lovely way in the small of my back as I stretched, so I’m all relaxed. So now, I say goodnight. “Goodnight, all.”

(comments)

JoeyGirl Says:
May 25th, 2007 at 6:01 am
Love you, J-bear. Unsurprisingly, you, Patrick, and I share the same philosophy about jobs. Yes, my current calling is to teach, but I may be doing something completely different next year at this time. It all depends on God.

It’s like the guy who came and spoke at our chapel said. We all search for our identity, and frequently we find it in what we’re good at. “I’m a teacher,” or “I’m a volleyball player,” or “I’m a mother.” The problem happens when we lose our job, or sprain an ankle, or the kids move out of the house. What is your identity, then? He said the only way to be secure in who we are is to identify ourselves as children of God. God doesn’t change, and so we can have peace and be steadfast in that knowledge…

Anyway, sorry to wax philosophical on your blog. As I already said, I love you muchly and I missed our conversation last night. Talk with you soon!

glenn Says:
May 26th, 2007 at 1:14 am
i resonate with you closely on this post. thanks for your honesty about struggling with these things. the Church overall hasn’t done very well in helping people rightly and conscientiously work out issues of vocation (ours included). this is especially true when we consider just where our place is in it “all.” who are we and how do we fit in? what about income? what about past foibles? what restricts us from doing this or that? where is “my” place? who are “my” people?

i think we can’t help but think of purpose when we attempt to place ourselves in the story of God. that may be God’s intention, that we struggle in the light of such weighty considerations because of the fantastic implications. it is struggle, contentious and conflicting, through and through, but it is definitely the work of the Spirit in the heart of someone longing for authentic connection to their creator and to his Kingdom. that is why he doesn’t remove the discomfort.

think of what you began seeking and asking for when you were 12. God’s only giving you that for which you were praying isn’t he? didn’t he take us seriously when we prayed, even if we didn’t know that for which we were asking? (i’ve come to this conclusion, for what it’s worth, in much the same vein as in your musing here). it’s just that we don’t factor in the transformation God requires. i once told God i would go anywhere for him and do anything and i never could have fathomed this.

but you got this…..”live simply and follow God” as you’ve posted. i think that’s right on. perhaps the issue resides around what we append to that maxim, which has to do with seeking the Kingdom first and having all the things “added” unto us as we seek. and even more, who it is we have surrounded ourselves with to discern that.

now if you could only do the same magic on my back…..