Killer Cabbages

As a note, I got to watch Jakers today. It is the best cartoon on PSB…ever. It even has the vocal stylings of the great Mel Brooks for the sheep. However, it is weird that the makers of the show share my paranoia of cabbages.

My hatred of decorative cabbages began on one crisp fall day in Wheaton, Illinois when I found that some maniacal gardener had decided that a decorative cabbage was a viable option for a sturdy fall plant. He planted it in the already wood-chipped plot infront of my apartment that I normally walked through to cut 2 seconds off of my trip to my class, Archaeology of Lifeways in Ancient Israel. That blasted cabbage with purple twinged green leaves stood in my way! Double blast!@ But one day (even after that stupid cabage survived a couple freezes!) some lovely, absent-minded member of the grounds crew ran over the cabage with a lawnmower throwing the almost edible purple-twinged leaves about the lawn. Hooray the cabage was ended, but the paranoia had begun.

Foward Christmas 2005… one slightly-evil, little sister of mine, gave me an adopted cabage from the supposed Save the Cabages foundations. Are they truly a non-profit organization? I did not see them on any watchdog sites, but I cannot find out anything about this supposed organization. Also, decorative cabages are beginning to cover more places. Just today, I saw decorative cabages around a sign saying, “You are now entering the City of Hamilton.”

Return to Jakers, the entire episode was about Piggly dreaming about alien cabbages taking over their little village. Even his friends turned into cabbages. I am not the only one scared of cabbages! So why are cabbages so terrifying? It goes back to my childhood. For many children born in the late 1970s and early 80s, they were quickly introduced to the fad of cabbage patch babies. While the dolls were cute, the idea behind the dolls was disturbing. Did babies really come from cabbage fields? If not, what were these strange beings born from cabbages and who tended them? Could these cabbage children be used for harm. Fast foward to the 1990s, when Tiny Tunes unmasked the hidden fears of generation. In one episode that spoofed the movie Rear Window, the bunnies were watching Elmer Fud do his nasty work across the street. While the bunnies’ initial fears were unwarranted, the final scene is Elmer tending a very ugly, very scary, sinister cabbage child. Is this the true outcome of a generation of cabbage fears? Is it a conspiracy? Is it just a Fraudian aversion to sauerkraut? Only the cabbages can tell. All I know is this… If the first lifeform detected on Mars is the cabbage, I’m investing in WMDs.