Hard to Sleep

It's going to be hard to sleep tonight. I just worked until 1:00, and I didn't get all the kids kicked out of the library until 1:20. I'm in my pjs now at a brilliant 2:14 with an alarm set for 9:45am. I need to be at a lunch at 11:30 tomorrow.

There is so much I have to say.... there is so much I want to ask, but now days, I'm shy to share over the internet. My tongue has to be tied b/c their are others to be considerate of. It's funny... my blog isn't even searchable on google anymore. You would think I would be more open instead of less.

Birthday Wonders and An Empty Hour

Wow. Birthday weekend is over. Thursday, I got fancy dinner with Matt. Friday, I got movie with Matt. Saturday, I cleaned house and talked to my sisters until my parents arrived in town. Saturday afternoon, Mom and I shopped. Saturday evening, I had a small cookout with 8 in attendance. Sunday... church, Ted's Escondita, a baby shower, 1 1/2 hours of exercising, and Sherlock Holmes on Masterpiece Theatre. It was a blast!

Now what? I'm exhausted. It's 10pm, and I haven't a clue what to do. I'm not really wanting to go to bed at 10:00. I have to work to midnight on Tuesday. I probably should though since my nose is a little itchy and my chest is a little tight.

I would like to focus my life outside myself somehow.... Help at church perhaps....

Or maybe I should just do my dishes....

Rejoicing Too

Hi all you. I realized tonight that I've only been writing about hard times for my last few blogs entries. Well, it's time for that to change! Today is a great time to realize all these blessings in my life that God has given me.

First, I got the funniest phone call! My old roommate Susan gave me a call tonight... from my parents' barn!!! Go figure. Susan never got to visit while we were at OBU, and she and my sister were at a wedding in Wichita today, and she was able to come by. How fun is that.

Second, I just had a lovely date night. We went to Panera Bread first. (This is the site of our first date, and Matt's favorite chicken noodle soup.) Then we headed off to play mini-golf at HeyDay Entertainment Center. Matt and I went to a going away party there soon after we started dating. We got to share a game with another couple from our church. So there were a lot of good memories, and a lot of good memories made.

Third, I start my new job on Monday.... new job you ask? My dear Emily decided to take a job at UCO. She resigned from her position as Circulation Librarian, and they decided to offer the position to me. The last two weeks have been a whirlwind as Emily has been teaching me the ropes... You should see my to do list. It's still over 5 pages double spaced typed. I could probably write more as well. Say a prayer for my supervisory skills. That's my biggest concern at this point. Nevertheless, I did receive a raise, and my bills will enjoy that. :-)

So I have a lot of blessings to be thankful for. It's been a lovely day!

A Hard Week

Hi friends. Last week was a hard week. There was flooding at the building I work in. A roommate moved out of the house and left a void of homey-ness. I had a cardiologist appointment and found out I have to have more tests. I'm so glad it's over.

I'm still struggling over theological issues as well. This morning in church, I took away the message that I'm not good enough. That wasn't the pastor's intention, but it's what I took away. So the service ended with the first hyperventilation/ panic attack that I've had in a good while.

What's different about this time is that I have a great guy to help me through it. Matt helped me walk outside and breath until I started getting my emotions under control, and then he let me talk through some of my worries. I felt so cared for and looked after.

So if anyone is out there reading, please pray for my health, my car, my work, and the money related to all of that. Also pray for my sister's radiation. Jill is about to start radiation for 4.5 weeks.

3:00am Musings

Guess what... another bout of insomnia. I'm terribly saddened by an incident yesterday when I said the wrong thing. You know the type of situation... You're trying to be supportive and encouraging, but then the words come out the person is more discouraged than when you started. It saddens my heart.

Beyond that, I'm just in a period of spiritual dryness that won't stop. I've been struggling with sadness and my eating habits. I miss Christian fellowship, but I'm so tired all the time that I feel like I don't have time to nurture Christian relationships.

It's also been hard to read my Bible, and when I listen to Christian radio, I just want to turn it off. I justify turning off the radio by disagreeing with whomever is speaking, but I fear that my heart is hardening and that I'm moving away from God.

So what is a girl to do? I am taking hope in this verse...

Eph 3:20-21 -- Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

God can make this right. I know that I can't, but God can.

I'm going to include the lyrics to one of my favorite hymns, Have Faith in God.

Have faith in God when your pathway is lonely.
He sees and knows all the way you have trod;
Never alone are the least of His children;
Have faith in God, have faith in God.

Have faith in God when your prayers are unanswered,
Your earnest plea He will never forget;
Wait on the lord, trust His word and be patient,
Have faith in God. He'll answer yet.

Have faith in God in your pain and your sorrow,
His heart is touched with your grief and despair;
Cast all your cares and your burdens upon Him,
And leave them there, oh, leave them there.

Have faith in God though all else fall about you;
Have faith in God, He provides for His own:
He cannot fail though all kingdoms shall perish.
He rules. He reigns upon His throne.

Refrain:

Have faith in God, He's on His throne,
Have faith in God, He watches over His own;
He cannot fail, He must prevail,
Have faith in God, Have faith in God.

Saturday night and I should be sleeping....

Hi. It's been a long time since I've written. I almost don't know where to begin, but I start now as I did when I first began blogging. I'm by myself, exhausted, with too many thoughts in my brain to be able to figure them out except by typing.

Ah blogging is highly therapeutic.

Tonight, I just had a lovely girls' night with some ladies from church. We watched As You Like It. It's the best Kenneth Branagh movie since he divorced Emma Thompson. The videography and score were amazing. The acting was pretty good too. However, it was fairly long, and by the credits, I was ready to bow out and go to bed.

Watching the movie makes me want to have a Joanna and Jill here! I would have loved dissecting the film with them as they quote random Shakespeare lines to me. It's hard having them so far away. I would like to share in their joys and their trials more. Then, sometimes, I could kidnap them and take them to Disney princess cartoons like when we were younger.

Now that times are changing, perhaps I should steal two nieces and take them to a Disney princess cartoon. :-)

In the meantime, I'm still hoping for my happy ending. Unfortunately, life isn't as neat and tidy as princess cartoons or the conclusions of Shakespeare's comedies. Happily-ever-afters apparently rely upon feasible budgets, work schedules, and to-do lists. Well, I guess that's life.